


how far we've come (and have yet to go)

by partypaprika



Category: Gossip Girl
Genre: Drabble, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-17
Updated: 2015-04-17
Packaged: 2018-03-23 10:34:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3764920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/partypaprika/pseuds/partypaprika
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It follows her for years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	how far we've come (and have yet to go)

**Author's Note:**

> Blair-centric drabble. Warnings for discussions of Blair's eating disorder.

It follows her for years.

 

 

Sometimes when she washes her hands in the bathroom after dinner, she can see the toilet in the mirror. Her stomach feels just a little bit heavier—the wrong side of full—and even though she knows that that she shouldn’t, she thinks of Serena. Serena. Svelte. Sunshine. Special. Serena, Serena, Serena.

She always makes sure to pull her eyes back up, keep eye contact with herself until she turns around and heads out.

 

 

Sometimes, when she and Dan meet up for lunch at their favorite hole in the wall, they’ll arrive in time to see people filing out of the community center’s AA meeting.

“Is that…sympathy on your face?” Dan says one time, almost incredulously.

Blair stiffens immediately and then forces herself to relax, turning back to look at Dan. “Is it that impossible to believe? That I’m capable of sympathy?”

Dan’s watching Blair with an odd look on his face. He cocks his head, just slightly.

Blair gives a dry laugh. She’s always been bad at hiding herself from him. “We’re birds of a feather," she says quietly. “Old friends.”

 

 

Serena gets married in a barn to a journalist heir of a shipping empire. She’s four months pregnant and glowing, she’s never looked more beautiful. Blair is so incredibly happy for her, every fiber of her being is actually happy for Serena.

But even happiness for Serena can’t stop the pit of self-doubt that sits in Blair’s stomach.

It grows and grows, vines twisting through Blair’s veins, haunting her footsteps throughout the wedding planning, curling around her at the Maid of Honor dress fitting, laying its head upon Blair’s shoulder at night.

Blair smiles through reception, everything perfect down to the last place card, and gives Serena a long hug when she and Oliver leave for their honeymoon. Blair makes sure that all of the gifts are properly packed away, stays through the clean-up and then, duty absolved, walks out behind the barn where the lights are low enough to see the fireflies and sits on an overturned box.

 She knows that she’s not going to purge, but she lets herself think about it for a few seconds. It’s tempting—the thought of feeling empty inside. Utterly empty. There’s a sense of peace in it. And it would feel better than this sense of failure and disappointment that’s inside her right now.

But she doesn’t do that anymore. “It’s done," she whispers quietly into the night air and allows herself to breakdown instead.

 

 

By the time that Dan finds her, the tears are gone. The only evidence remaining is Blair’s reddened eyes. Dan undoubtedly knows, but he doesn’t say anything. Just a quick, “Does that box fit two?” and Blair moves over in response.

They stare at the faint flickering over the grass.

“Do you wish it were you?” Dan asks finally.

“No,” Blair says. “I mean, yes, a little. But I don’t wish this were my wedding or that I was marrying Oliver. I just…” She trails off.

Dan doesn’t say anything, just letting her gather her thoughts.

“I want my life to be perfect," she says quietly. “But look at Serena—she’s getting married in a barn. While she’s pregnant. That’s a far cry from perfect. But she’s so happy. It’s perfect because it’s Serena. And it’s never going to be like that for me.”

Dan’s quiet a long time. “I’m not going to say that you’re perfect," he says slowly. “No one’s completely perfect. But even if it existed and it were Serena, you wouldn’t be happy as Serena. You would have died if this was your wedding.” Blair gives a small snort. “Serena lives the way that she lives. And you live the way that you live. I can’t tell you to stop measuring yourself by Serena, but maybe the yardstick for your happiness should be your own.”

After a few more seconds, Blair rests her head on Dan’s shoulder. They stay there until the fireflies finally fade for the night.

 

 

Sometimes she thinks about saying the words. She imagines the words rolling around in her mouth, the syllables flowing off her tongue. Other times, she thinks about opening her mouth and trying to say it, but nothing coming out. Nothing, just a little stop of air, as the words lodge themselves in her throat.

 

 

They’re walking back to Dan’s loft after an art show, Dan’s hand occasionally incidentally touching Blair’s, when Blair stops. Dan stops too and raises an eyebrow in mild confusion but waits Blair out.

“I’m bulimic," Blair says carefully. “I haven’t acted on it in a very long time. But I’m bulimic.”

Dan looks like he’s been caught completely off-guard. It happens so rarely that Blair holds in a smile, which makes her feel a little better.

“I’ve known,” Dan says eventually, which isn’t a surprise. “But thank you for telling me.” He looks at Blair expectantly, expecting her to say something else. When she doesn’t, he says, “What made you tell me now?”

Blair shrugs a little bit. “I’m always going to be bulimic. I’ll probably never act on it again, but it will always be there," she says. “I just wanted you to know.”

Dan looks at Blair’s face for a long time. “Thank you," he says finally, his voice low and serious.

Blair nods and, in unspoken agreement, they start walking again.

When they make it up to Dan’s loft, Blair puts her hand on Dan’s shoulder. When Dan turns to look at her, Blair slowly leans up and presses her lips to Dan’s.


End file.
